For those just joining in, we have seven previous chapters of this
Chapter 1 Better known as You All Suck.
Chapter 2 Better known as You All Suck PART DUEX subtitled Why do you all hate me this much?"
Chapter 3 Better known as You All Suck--part trois (pronounced TWAT) Subtitled "MY EYES MY EYES MY EYES!"
Chapter 4 Better known as "Verily, you all still suck--part quarte" subtitled "When will the hurting stop?"
Chapter 5 Better known as "You All Suck. STILL." Subtitled, "I will never have sex again after reading this. I am doomed to deep, meaningful gazes across crowded rooms followed by energetic pollination with a magnolia tree."
Chapter 6 Better known as "You All Suck--For the Sixth time.. Subtitled: "Why I hate my life."
Chapter 7 Better known as "We can haz pyrates nao?" Subtitled: "The Chapter That Broke Me." (not unlike "The Spy Who Loved Me" but without the sexyness of James Bond, the cool theme music, the awesome gadgets, the riveting storyline, the great writing and the plot continuity. So, in other words, NOTHING like "The Spy Who Loved Me".)
So in order to refresh both my and your memories about what happened in Chapter 7, I am going to go back and read my review since I sure as Hell don't like ANYONE ON THIS PLANET enough to re-read the chapter itself.
..... .... .... ... ..
FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW! THIS BOOK SUCKS! HOW DID I FORGET HOW MUCH THIS BOOK SUCKS?????? It's like when I was a kid and didn't realize the Village People were gay!
So, our paranormally gifted jet pilot flying anally probed alien fucking gun toting 'heroine', Lorelai Sue, got sucked from a haunted house where she was staying with a extremely nice but extremely stupid guy onto the deck of a pirate ship--losing her spine and regrowing her hymen in the process.
She got tongued by the guy who looks JUST LIKE the alien immortal half divine eternally cursed jet pilot UFO debunker angsty whiney bitch Gareth Stu. Who looks vaguely like Orlando Bloom. With a nice tush. (which to be fair, Orlando doesn't have a horrible naked ass, but I'm sure that for LaVerne, Gareth's is MUCH nicer.) (I feel dirty typing that.)
And before I forget in my yearning frenzy to get into this book--erk--, I did not write this book. I do not claim to have written this book. I will not claim to have written this book. The ideas are not mine (they're not hers either, frankly) and the plot is not mine and the characters are not mine and NONE OF IT IS MINE. NOTHING. NADA. BUPKIS. NYET. (<---That is Russian but I do not live in Alaska. I am supremely qualified for higher office as I am all multicultural and shit.)
Any excerpts that are posted are fully the property of LaVerne Ross/V. Graham and are done under fair use for review. They revert and remain and will always be hers, like a rotting albatross hanging around her neck. The smell is very similar. (It took everything for me to not start screaming "ALBATROSS! SHE LEFT ME FOR AN ALBATROSS! WITH HUUUUUGE WINGS!" Kudos to you who know where that came from.) Also, to continue the fun, let me remind you I am typing EXACTLY as found in this book. With great pain and shorting out of my spell/grammar check, even.
So anyways, we close Chapter seven with Blaize/Gareth having tongued Lorelai Sue's internal organs a bit and then sent her to her cabin.
Chapter eight goes from page 140 to 170 and opens with Blaize brooding. No, really. Don't be shocked.
He's brooding about his brother in prison.
It was one of those businesses, that was the reason that he had been locked up in a dungeon by his sworn enemy. Whatever the cost he would free his brother. Even if it meant he had to do what went against his very nature. After all blood was thicker than water, and he owed it to his brother. He didn’t owe the girl anything; now did he?
Okay, LaVerne. You miss EVERY SINGLE FUCKING COMMA OPPORTUNITY. You either forget to put one in, or you pepper them randomly about willy-nilly. So WTF is up with the semi-colon? I mean, did you just wake up the day you wrote this, stretch and scratch and say, “I think I’m going to branch out from the wholesale slaughter of the comma and move up the food chain to semi-colons! MWAHAHAHAHAA!” And then did you go about your day of writing this shit and being generally evil by kicking puppies and turning kittens into savory teriyaki jerky?
So Lorelai Sue is in her cabin and the cabin boy brings her food. Meat, potatoes and beer. Blessed, blessed beer. I could use one right now, actually, after reading this shit.
The book makes it clear that Lorelai has never had a beer before and the taste makes her gag.
Okay, let’s review. Lorelai Sue, jet fighter pilot who watched her wingman get blown up next to her, has never had a beer. Lorelai Sue, who let a murdering alien bloodsucking angsty emo vampire FUCK HER AGAINST A TREE, has never had a beer.
I find it rather appalling and sad that I think that is the one thing that REALLY lost my willing suspension of belief. Which makes me fucking pathetic, btw.
But I digress.
Lorelai Sue finishes her meal, straps a very ornate dagger to her leg and proceeds to… I’ll let you guess. She’s military. She’s an officer. She’s a pilot. She’s a hard-core pistol packing ghost-hunting alien vampire fucker with no fear. Is she going to storm the Captain’s cabin and hold that knife to his throat till he releases her? Is she going to hide in the hold till darkest night and steal a lifeboat and supplies? Is she going to slowly kill the crew one by one behind the Captain’s back?
No! She’s going to read a book. About pirates.
Lorelai was lost within the pages of the novel as a soft knock sounded. Looking up just as the door opened, and in came the captain. He smiled at her and walked into the room, his presence making the room stuffy and small. This man had a way of making her feel light-headed, and heart to race.
She felt pulled towards this man and it scared her. She wanted something from him but didn’t know what it was. He looked around the neat room, and then back to her. He moved over to the table and seeing the novel, he picked it up from the table where she had placed it.
He glanced at the cover and dark eyes lit up and the man broke into a hearty laugh. She looked at him with her lips curled and eyes beginning to flame. Ow… That’s gonna leave a mark… He put the novel back down and glanced down at her, a smile still on his handsome face.
“I see you have a fascination for pirates, especially dark-haired captains.”Laughter still obvious in his voice. Huh? What? Bzuh?
“I do not!” She stood up quick and faced him, her face turning pink.”I found this book here, It’s yours I think.” (Obviously at this point LaVerne was so excited about her erotic fantasy she forgot how to use the space bar or capitalize. I can’t mock. It happens to the best of us when we’re only typing with one hand.)
She grabbed up the book and threw it at him. Blaize raised his arm and knocked it away. Blaize grabbed Loralais arm and pulled her close, wrapping his other arm around her waist.
“You have a problem, if you think I could like a pirate!”
“Perhaps I could make you change your mind, my dear. I’m sure I could change your mind about a lot of things.” He lowered his head and nuzzled the pale neck, then glanced at her.
His eyes danced with devilment and locked his gaze onto her lips. She struggled against him, but could not get loose.
“You devil! You are too ugly for me.” Her voice as going high, as she had trouble breathing. (I feel your pain. I find it hard to breathe around a bubble of vomit in my throat too.)
“Am I now?” His voice soft. “That’s not what the women tell me.”
“Then they need glasses!”
Okay. Now they argue for a few more lines, and then we start with the bow chicka bow wow.
WARNING: If you have a sensitive stomach, you may want to scroll on. I cannot take any responsibility for any damage to your digestive system that this passage may cause. Any vomiting, snorting, spraying, backwashing, ruined keyboards or monitors or completely damaged for life psyches or ruined sex lives—NOT MY FAULT.
Lorelai yelled at him, and deep inside she was yelling at herself. For she knew that she was lying, and that he knew it. (Yes, Gareth! I want to be raped! You know I secretly want a man to force me! I want to be a bad sexist cliché! Do me, you stud! ::sighs::) Then felt a warmth spread through her as he held her close. How could she feel anything for this man? She was fighting her feelings for Gareth, the beginnings of love for him. Also she fought desire for this man, who looked exactly like her Gareth. But wasn’t. It confused her emotions. (Yes, because I certainly would be confused after having my spine surgically removed so I could swoon in a corset like a bad romance novel)
“Ah my fiery enchantress you have much to learn about yourself.”
Before I go on, I should tell you that sentences like that last one, entirely devoid of any punctuation, are what make this book so much fun to read aloud or act out. Or play drinking games with. Or play drinking games with AND read aloud. With company. It’s also funny as hell to just randomly call people’s voicemails and say in a monotone shit like, “Ah my fiery enchantress you have much to learn about yourself” like you were Ben Stein or something. It’s SO MUCH FUN.
But I digress…
His head lowered toward hers, and she watched his lips approaching, and she discovered she wanted them on hers. That is she wanted Gareth’s lips on hers. His lips brushed them and he tasted the beer on hers. He moved his head back a fraction and smiled down at her.
“Shame on you,… drinking.” But he said it teasing.
He lowered his head and his lips ran slow over hers feeling their softness against his own. His tongue lapped at her lips and as they opened he entered the hot cavern, and was met by her tongue. He fondled it with his enjoying the duel that played out there. One hand came up and touched the side of her face and she moved closer to him.
Okay. I’m going to be brutally honest here. I’m now typing two days later from that last paragraph. There is something about the way this woman writes kissing that makes me shudder, convulse, retch, cry and run for my happy place, which is usually to Alpha Night. I was telling telaryn about the “hot cavern” part of this and she mentioned to me that it sounded like a place bats would live. We then decided that beginning theme song from Scooby-Doo—you know, where all the bats come screeching out—was obviously an ode to Lorelai Sue’s hot moist cavernous mouth.
Also… he FONDLED HER TONGUE??? WITH HIS TONGUE??? I DO NOT THINK THIS IS A FOUND IN NATURE VISUAL!!! EWWWW!
Ahem. But I digress yet again.
He picked her up with one arm around her waist, as he sat down in the chair she had vacated; he pulled her onto his lap. She sat there facing him lost in the kiss they shared. He put up ahand and touched her neck and felt her pulse racing and knowing she was his for the taking. She moaned as he intensified the kiss and she wrapped her arms around his neck.
Putting up a hand he placed it on her breast, and gently squeezed it through her summer dress. (Squeezed what? His hand? Her breast? Do I want to know? Not really.) She tried to pull away but he just pulled her closer. She melted into his body and he rubbed his callused hand against her dress. One of her hands came up and the fingers going through his hair, and the other went to his chest resting over his heart. It was as though to push him away but had not yet. Lorelai felt his lips on hers, as they played against hers. The moment she opened her lips, he entered and tongues met there. She saw the starburst behind her eyes, and felt the weakness in her knees beginning to emerge.
Okay. I have never been less aroused by porn in my life. I’ve probably never been more repulsed and disgusted by porny writing, and as a heavy reading member of the Orlando Bloom fandom, I can tell you that is REALLY saying something here. And yet…. Reading forward, I can’t find a stopping place for this shit. I can’t even find a place where I’d put the old handy ellipse and ‘fast forward’ to the good (aka incredibly revolting) parts.
I swear to you, if you want to drop the teen pregnancy rate in this country, make this book required reading in every middle and high school in the country. It may well help the obesity rate from all the vomiting and diminished appetites as well.
And on we go, once more into the breech. Breech filled with shit. (People, I’m only on page 145 here. I have to get to 170. Pray for me.)
Reaching behind her he ripped the gown down the back and pulled it off her shoulders. She looked up at him with wide innocent eyes. He went back to kissing her as one callused hand came up running just above the chemise she was strange covering over her breast. He had never seen one before. He pulled out his dagger, and cut it in the middle as he still kept her lips busy.
He looked down at her, and then at her moist eyes that watched him. (Moist eyes? What? Is she a Bassett Hound? If her nose is cold, she’s healthy!) He reached out and touched her breast, (Yet again. He’s been all over those puppies all night.) as he hand came up and covered his. He lifted her skirt, this time he found only womanly flesh beneath the skirt. (WHAT THE FUCK DID HE FIND THERE BEFORE??? Is it possible that there’s MORE to our heroine besides being fearless, supernaturally gifted, half alien, romantically paralyzed, anally probed, and a retired jet fighter pilot with some kind of dread disease that dissolves specific parts of her skeletal system—specifically knees and spine? Could there a special “October Surprise” hiding beneath her skirts? Is it possible she has a bigger Adam’s Apple than Ann Coulter? That could be the only thing that saves this
She lost herself in the touch of this stranger who wasn’t a stranger. She let herself think of him as her Gareth. Blood was rushing in her ears, drowning out all other sounds. The tossing sea must have stilled for she felt no movement beyond his hands, and mouth.
Blaize lifted her back up, and kissed her deeply before he lifted her again, and lowered her onto his hot cock that throbbed with desire for her. He slowly lowered her onto himself. She grabbed his shoulders, digging her nails in as he filled her. Then raising up on her knees on the wide chair she began to set the rhythm, started out fast, and hard. Then slowed and even stopped. Her breast moving in front of his face, as he licked at them when they came close to his mouth.
Then he reached down with one hand as she held her with the other. Lowering his hand he added two of his long fingers to her hot canal. She tensed at that, and felt him begin to grow, and her own muscles tightened around him, Then he came inside her, as she cried out, her head falling back, as he wrapped his arms around her. Moving her up and down once, twice again. Then pulled her close to him.
I can state for the record that I have lost all interest in having any form of sexual intercourse. I may actually be asexual at this point, frankly. And I’m not sure which aspect of the above passage (::shudder:: ) is more responsible—the horrific purple prose, the god awful writing, the painful sounding descriptions or the fact that based on how badly the basic mechanics of grammar and punctuation were mishandled, you KNOW the author was doing something to herself at the time, and was too busy smoking a cigarette afterwards to run a spelling and grammar check.
But I digress yet again.
So now that they’re done, Blaize finds the dagger she’d hidden on her person (don’t ask), takes it, and taunts her that now her intended husband will never have her now that she’s been despoiled. As he leaves, she doesn’t see his look of sadness at hurting her.
She later falls asleep and…
She didn’t see the Councilmen standing there by her bed, watching her. “Did she pass the test?” Asked the younger.
“Yes.” Replied the elder, “she past her first test. The girl made her choice, she could have stayed there. She chose our Gareth.”
You know, personally I’d have preferred if they’d given her something multiple choice. Essay, even. And further more, I really have to wonder about the grading scale. I mean, did she get extra points when Blaize stuck his ‘long fingers’ (::shudderickerkUGH:: ) in? Did she blow the curve for the rest of the class with that move?
So the councilmen discuss how SPESHUL AND UNIQUE Lorelai Sue is and how spunky she was when she was brought onto the ship to have something shoved up her ass or somesuch.
Lorelai Sue wakes up on the floor of the pantry, and the really nice but incredibly stupid paranormally gifted guy Chris finds her. For some reason, she needs a change of clothes. (ew). Gareth wakes up from a dream about Lorelai Sue and goes to write.
Lorelai Sue and Chris, both being too stupid to live, continue to explore the extremely hostile haunted house. Frankly, I’m not sure how she can walk at this point with the amount of abuse her vaginer has gotten in the last 150 pages.
Seleth tells Gareth that he’s found a cure and Gareth can now be with the woman he loves. And Seleth can stop rebuilding the angsty, emo vampire’s unicorn terrarium.
Lorelai Sue and Christ are still too stupid to live, are now in the attic and encounter… (I feel like I need some special music like that old Legend of Zelda game Thom had... Every time Link would encounter something like a slime mold, the screen would flash and there’d be a “whoop whoop whoop” sound.) (I just looked it up and that game was released 1987. Yes, I am old) (and yes, I sat and watched him play for HOURS. The long winter nights just FLEW)… But once again, I digress, probably to delay the pain of typing out this magical beast encounter… on page 154….
A gargoyle.(Yes, the paragraph starts off just that way. Can’t you hear the suspenseful DUN DUN DUN music?) It flew at her, strong wings beating at the air, hideous grayish body coming closer. The sharp angles of its head, horns sharp on its head. The ears were pointed as were the teeth, that showed between the curled lips. The glowing red eyes looked at her, as its long pointed fingers reached for her.
Did you get that? It’s SHARP AND POINTY! In case you didn’t notice, IT IS SHARP. And POINTY.
It carries her away in front of Chris who does nothing but scream and watch her go. Stupid. YOU SO STUPID, CHRIS.
Gareth is in the lab with Seleth, and he’s about to get cured when suddenly his Spidey (Vampi?) sense starts tingling.
He stiffened and looked up as though hearing something. Seleth stopped and looked at him. Gareth had a far away look on his face.
“What is it?”
“It’s Lorelai, she is in trouble. I must help her.”
“But it’s day, you cannot go out.”
Uhm…. Did the author forget she gave him a SPESHUL MAGICAL amulet in chapter one so that he could walk in daylight and fly jet planes? I haven’t picked up this festering bowl of dog snot since May and *I* remember.
Anyways, Seleth tells Gareth to let him do the spell dohicky thingie so he can go save Lorelai--which Gareth refuses because he's a dumbass. Gareth then gets a call from Lorelai’s mom saying that her daughter had been kidnapped by a gargoyle, please help.
Okay, how did Lorelai’s mom know Gareth’s number? I thought that after Gareth fucked Lorelai up against a tree, he’d avoided her for months and wasn’t seen with her in public or with her family. He’s a worse boyfriend than Orlando Bloom for fuck’s sake, and that’s hard to beat. And let’s just say that if any guy gets a call saying, “You need to help my daughter, she’s been kidnapped by a gargoyle,” he’s probably going to say something more than, ”I’ll find her, I promise you.” And to put the cherry on top of this logic sundae I’m building, would YOU call the alien vampire who fucked and dumped YOUR daughter to save her life? I’m thinking not.
Lorelai wakes up on cold hard stone ground. She’s in a cave. She’s got a captor.
The man was around six feet one in height, his features fine and aristocratic. Eyes that were orange in color, she had never seen such eyes before. He stood up and turned towards her. He was slender and he wore tight fitting pants, and matching pull over shirt. His hair was a pale shade of silver, almost like a moonbeam. His face was ageless. She could tell that he was a alien just like Gareth.
Okay, I get a visual of a guy who has eyes that clash VIOLENTLY with his hair, and he’s wearing something like a velour pantsuit. For some reason, I’m seeing Alien!George Hamilton.
He tells her he’s there to kill Gareth, and she’s the bait in his trap. She tries to get away (because unlike the pirate, she’s not being tested on how to fuck Alien!George Hamilton, so escape is obviously an option) but she’s caught.
But don’t worry. Gareth is on his way, riding his motorcycle—a skill that had not even been mentioned until now. Of course, it is now also suddenly night, so I wouldn’t be too concerned with all this ::makes Sarah Palin/Tina Fey hands:: complicated elite snobby media continuity stuff that doesn’t mean anything to the average reader anyhow, dontchaknow.
Alien!George Hamilton now has a name: Fenalihn. I’m sure I’ve seen a commercial for it as an erectile dysfunction drug. Or maybe a urinary incontinence drug. Or for yeast infections. Whatevs. Fenalihn is a bounty hunter. He feeds Lorelai Sue (Why, I ask? Just let her die and end this at page 160, for the love of all the Gods) and laughs at her when she pees behind a rock. Then she sits and glares hatefully at her captors.
It was like her chest near her heart had opened. Lorelai felt like she was pulling something towards her. Could make out an aura around the body of the male she had chosen, and it was altering colors, it was moving towards her. It felt good as it entered her, she felt stronger, andwanted more, craved it.
“Well, Lorelai, it seems you are not what you appear to be, are you?”
Lorelai looked at him. Her look one of puzzlement.
“What do you mean?” He came over and stood there watching her.
“You are not what you appear to be. You are a preternatural yourself.”
“A what?” (Ignore the fact that she’s referred to both Gareth and her own self by this [incorrect] label several times in the story)
“You are a psi-Vampire. Do you know what that means?”
I’ll tell you what it means. It means that we must now call her a ::deep breath:: fearless heroine, supernaturally gifted, half alien, romantically paralyzed and anally probed, retired jet fighter pilot packing a little too much lunchmeat under the skirts preternatural psi-vampire. ::gasps for breath::
Alien!George Hamilton explains to her in an info dump exactly what that means, complete with made-up words:
You take Praena which is energy, and you use it, must have it to survive. You can take energy from animals, plants or the earth itself. But you will in fact take from humans or any of us you can. From lovers, who will become addicted to sex with you, not knowing why. Unaware that their tiredness from such physical activity with you is actually from you, draining them. You will find you have a lower tolerance for the sunlight now.”
She got up, and leaned against the wall. Tears streaming down her face.
“I’m not a monster!”
She put her hands to her face, as her sobs echoed off the walls of the cave.
“I’m not a monster!”
Cruel laughter rang out, as the voice spoke.
“Another monster to kill.”
I Can Haz Everyone DED? PLZ?
After the author drops that hint that everyone might die, she then cockblocks my joy by continuing this story.
Gareth and Seleth are now at a diner for three paragraphs and then leave on their “sleek Ninja motorcycles.
They get to where Lorelai Sue is being held an hour before dawn and start warming up with their swords.
Seleth extracted his long sward, and began making fluid cutting motions in the air. The blade was razor sharp. It made whooshing sounds as it passed quick through the air. He thought the ancient weapons the best way to face his fellow aliens. (If he’s the same as them, why would he call them “aliens”? Enquiring minds don’t want to know. They just want this over. Page 164, please please please God)
Gareth took his blade and began to warm up. He had several other shorter blades on him, began his moves, strong yet nimble as any dancer. Gareth jumped and the blade just missed him, as he went over it. He moved around, the clearing in own ballet.
Alien!George Hamilton in his badass velour tracksuit comes up with Lorelai Sue who now deep in the throes of a self-hatred, how could you ever love a monster like me funk. Gareth points out that he’s much worse than her and if she can love him, how can she not be worthy of love. Plus Seleth can cure her too! Hooray!
Alien! George Hamilton doesn’t care that they can be cured, they’re both evil things and must die.
We have a badly written battle royale with swords that I really don’t feel like going into. Lorelai Sue starts sucking the life energy out of Alien!George Hamilton and Gareth takes advantage:
”Now you will know what it is you fear so much. You will become that thing,” snarled Gareth.
He moved his head, and bit down in the strong neck muscles of the scared male. Tore into the neck, and gloried in the spurt of fresh blood that filled his mouth.
He drank, and it felt good,lost in this feeding until he felt a hand on his arm. He turned, eyes red, and snarled at whoever it was. Until he saw it was Lorelai. She stood there a warm understanding look on her face.
Then Lorelai took her handkerchief out of her pocket, and gently wiped the blood from blooded lips, then standing on her toes she kissed Gareth. He looked down at her, and gathered her into his arms…
I really don’t have to go into all the levels of wrongness there, do I?
And now on page 169 we have the happy sum-up. Get ready to retch.
“Now that I can get rid of the darker half of myself, will you go my world with me?”
“I’d go anywhere with you. I love you.”
“I love you more than anything, my immortality, my fortune, even my life.”
“I guess grandma was right, the women in my family do seem to have a soft spot for gorgeous aliens.”
“Yes, so it seems. I’m your alien, so ignore the others.”
The council appeared in their midst. The older one stood there and had a slight smile on his face.
“I’m glad that you have won. You will now be able to join us again. But know this. We had the cure all along, and let Seleth find it when it was time.”
“What? Why do you think you can control peoples lives?”
“Because we can.”
“I suffered all these years for nothing.”
“Yes, but you have been rewarded.”
“Lorelia, it was meant to be. Promised her grandmother, she chose you for her granddaughter.”
“I never met her.”
“Yes you did. She was the human that your cousin Jasyln fell for. He is Lorelais grandfather.”
EWWWWWW. I’m from south Georgia and I’m STILL squicked. And not just from the incredibly stupid and sexist “The woman is your reward” crap.
Gareth took her hand and she knew that her prince charming had come at last.
But Seleth had his doubts that the council was done with them.
The End. OH THANK GOD THE END.
Or is it. Because this is page 170 of 305, which means we have (DUN DUN DUN) Book two.
Which starts off on page 172, I shit you not:
June 2022 (future)
Future? No! Really, dumbass? Because unless this becomes one of those works of literature that is treasured and read and kept for future generations, I kinda doubt that anyone will be reading this in July 2022 or after. Could just be me, though.
I don’t know if I can go on into another book of this shit. Even if there are midget vampires and devil worshipers…
And with that, goodnight my dears.