Crevette (crevette) wrote,

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You all suck.

Okay, sooner begun, sooner done. That's what my grandmother always used to say whenever she told me to get my ass in gear on some Godawful odious task. Usually involving feces or urine or vomit or some such thing. Which might be preferable to this, truthfully.

Therefore, I present to you chapter one of Eternity Of Blood by V. Graham.

I must state that I am going to quote several passages from the book word-for-word, as written by the author. I am doing this under fair use doctrine, I have no intention of EVER claiming the author's words, characters or plot points (HA! RIiiiiight-O, there.) as my own. They belong to and are the sole and unique property of V. Graham/ LaVerne Ross/Whoever she is at this juncture in time/Whatever she will change her name to in the future.

To show you the merest tip of the iceburg, the slightest amount of pain I am currently in, I am going to transcribe for you--with no changes or commentary--the first three paragraphs of this book exactly as they appear, including punctuation.

Year: 2003

Blood! It was that fierce need that drove Gareth Hunter through the night. Running, black hair plastered to his head, he ignored the rain. Breathing was slow although he had been running for several hours. Vampiric senses alert to any signs, keen eyesight in search of his next victim.

Gareth spotted a car by it's headlights, pulled over on the dirt road that cut through the woods leading to the town of Clark. A dark haired girl of around sixteen sat in the car shivering in her damp clothes.

'Reminds me of those drive-in fast food places, except I'm not taking her order.' The evil inside ran several ideas through his head about what to do with the young girl then selected one.

Yes, welcome to my nightmare.

Okay, so the chapter opens and we have Gareth Hunter running around in the rain, black hair streaming, hunting.

The term "timeless dark angel" is thrown around a few times. Gag me.

So he finds the young girl in the car, hypnotizes her and bites her. She's still alive, even if she's going to have a heck of a scar and then....

Gareth's handsome face changed abruptly, eyes became darker as he turned back to his victim. Grabbing the arms he pulled the still breathing body from the car, one hand tangled in her long hair. With a powerful thrust of his arm he slammed her head against a tree, hearing the sound of her skull crack. Soft growls came from behind him. Using his vampiric strength he ripped her arms off, tossing them at several wild dogs that came up drawn by the smell of blood. Gareth tossed the rest of the body up into the tree, the base covered in some of her brain matter. A feral smile graced his lips as he watched the dogs run off with their prizes.

His fangs receded as he reached into a pocket. Gareth was the first of his nature, a Martavus Vampire. A being from another galaxy far away, a gorgeous child of the ancient gods.

The immaculate vampire took out a handkerchief and wiped his mouth clean. 'Nothing worse than getting stains on my clothes or face.' Taking out a small travel toothbrush, he wets it in the rain, then uses it to brush his bloody teeth. Hearing a car coming, he moved back into the trees. The darker side letting the good take over again, with only a few vague images from what had just happened. A scream came from the road he had just left.

Okay. I am on the SECOND PAGE of this book. SECOND PAGE. There are still 303 pages left to go. I mean, Touched by Venom waited until page 26 to start buttfucking baby dragons. And I never thought I would compare that book to ANYTHING favorably.

I don't even think I can enumerate how much FUCKING WRONGNESS there is in this book so far. But you selfish, heartless bastards want me to try, right?


1. His fangs go up and down like a garage door. Killing something, they roll down. Done killing, they roll up again into some hidden compartment in his gumline.

I suspect this makes flossing rather difficult and makes him at risk for extreme periodontal disease. His breath must reek.

2. If he's the first of whatthefuckever he is, then why the fuck is there a NAME for it? HUH?

3. There's packs of feral wild dogs roaming around waiting for dismembered teenagers to fall out of the sky? What is this? A teen slasher movie?

4. He's so fucking immaculate AFTER smashing the girl's face into a tree AND ripping her limbs off AND feeding her remains to the dogs. IN THE RAIN. I mean, the geysers of blood that would erupt from the ripping of the limbs alone would certainly spot his collar.

I bet he's carrying one of those Tide clean-up pens in his pocket, but in a Sam's Club size.

Fuck. Thom is watching Serenity in the other room. ::pouts:: Sooner begun, sooner done. ::sighs::

Gareth then angsts in a half-assed whiny way about his 'dark nature' and how he doesn't want to kill people but he loves it and it's better than sex and I hate it and I love it and let me call you a fucking waaahmbulance, loser. You were a lot less annoying when there were only 98 3/4 pages of you, asshat.

Then he smells a girl in the woods and **CLINK** down come the teeth. Upon reflection I bet that's probably the vampiric equivalent of popping wood at inopportune times. Like in the grocery store. "Wow, look at the neck on that MILF." **CLINK** "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. I need to hide my face behind a cantaloupe AGAIN and wait for this to go down..."

He's curious and decides to follow her and see what she's up to instead of killing her right off. Because he's the picture of restraint. Especially after dismembering a sixteen year old girl and feeding her to wild dogs.

So now we meet our female protagonist, Lorelai Mary Sue Ashley Crosby. (Wait, wasn't that the name of the Debutante Gunfighter? ::goes to look:: Oh. Ariana Crosby. How... yeah. Anyways... Sooner begun, sooner done.)

A dark, drizzly evening perfect for an undertaking such as Naval Lieutenant, Lorelai Ashley Crosby had planned. Furthermore, it was her favorite kind of night; a sleepless night of treasure, and ghost hunting, nothing better.

Blah di blah, info dump. Grandfather had robbed a jewelry store, hidden the loot. The Sheriff of Clark (Near The Woods Of The Damned (tm)--NOW crawling with bipolar alien vampires and roaming feral packs of teen-eating dogs for your enjoyment) wants the loot, hung her grandfather. Lorelai learned how to defend herself on the battleship where she'd been stationed.

Lorelai stood there with a thirty-eight on her right leg and machete on her left; ready for anything from either world. Partially protected by a pentacle blessed by a Druid Priestess, cross by a Catholic priest around her neck. The waterproof navy blue backpack held everything she would need. Rain streamed off the brim of her Stetson and dribbled down her back, as she walked through the woods.

So Gareth is watching Lorelai and smells a female vampire in the air and gets all kinds of territorial.

Which leads me to question, so if he's the first of the alien vampires, does this make the female a different kind of vampire? Hmmm. It appears that I must read on to answer this question. Great.

Okay, now Gareth fights the female vamp and we have the first instances of dialog (of which I'm sure there will be many). Also, this is, oh... I don't know... the fifth or sixth hint in FIVE PAGES that Lorelai Sue is SPESHUL AND UNIQUE (pronounced Uni-Cue)

"What are you doing? She's mine." Knowing it wasn't the blood that he protected as much as the girl herself, but his vampire side agreed. He didn't understand it, but no one else would touch her.

"You have not branded her as your own. I say that we can either share, or you get none." Swiftly she grabbed him by the throat, long electric blue nails digging into Gareths neck. (The undead have nail techs? KEWL!!!) "Don't be so sure you can stop me, I'm older than you." She slowly licked her lips as she looked into his eyes. "If you're nice, after dinner we could have some fun."

"I don't do vampires!" Gareth's eyes narrowed and his voice grew colder. (Go you, LaVerne. Remembered that apostrophe. Have a cookie.)

"Well I don't have a problem with aliens, if they're as cute as you. However, since you are probably gay then I guess it's just dinner."

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. Did I mention this was a porny rewrite? ::sighs::

Also, how did the female vamp know that he was an alien vamp? Does he wear a T-shirt? Display immigration status overtly? Have antenna? HOW?

I think I'm going to have to read further to answer that one too.

Fuck. ::sighs:: Sooner begun, sooner done.

Vamps fight right near Lorelai Sue but she doesn't notice. Gareth, being truly a gorgeous dark angel child of the ancient gods **hairball hork**, cuts off the other vamp's head with a silver knife that he's been carting around that we didn't know about.

So now Gareth is watching Lorelai Sue dig up her treasure. The spirits in the woods are unhappy with her being there and she's afraid.

And here we have another rewritten passage from last time. Remember those six food tall furry glowing eyeballs? Here we go again:

Coming across the ground was more than a dozen of the right hand minions of the devil, Demons. She could feel the earth beneath tremble as they walked. Her breathing ceased. (Uhm... HELLO???) She had to focus her thoughts into calming the fright arising deep within that threatened to incapacitate her.

Soon, the glowing eyes of the visitors from hell leered close enough to induce her skin to cringe. (A neat trick that, but it would probably help if she started breathing right about now) Lorelai turned her eyes away from the glimpse of the smoldering orbs.

The demons towered over the human female so high that she thought they must weigh over six hundred pounds and be over seven-foot-tall. Covered in dense, mangy fur; they had large pointed ears, a black muzzle and large sharp yellowish canine teeth. The demons stood there on legs the bulk of tree trunks, with hooves instead of feet. Their large distended bellies made the distinct impression they had each consumed several people already.

They share that muzzle, you know. They only have one, but they have a shitload of ears and teeth. But that muzzle, it is DEAR to them. (also notice she still isn't breathing.) (And that is how I would end this book: "Lorelai Sue passed out due to lack of oxygen and was et up by big, poorly described, muzzle sharing demons. Because of the paucity of muzzles, they had to take turns gnawing on her, which made her demise terribly long, messy and agonizing.

Which was cool with everyone involved...even the gorgeous dark angelic alien vampiric child of ancient gods. Because he was an evil bastard with no redeeming qualities except his excellent dental hygiene. The End.) (But NO, that is not what happened here.)

What happened instead is glimmering white creatures come to fight the demons, (Man, those woods are HOPPIN' at night. I mean, just Chock-a-block with all kinds of interesting creatures--feral dog packs, well manicured (and headless) vampires, demons, celestial beings, alien dark angel vampire wussies, and MORE) Lorelai Sue gets attacked by the plant life (Man, those woods are ROUGH) and gets away.

We then visit Lorelai's mother, Diana. For absolutely no reason at all. It's 3:00 AM, she's watching taped soap operas and eating a dill pickle while drinking sweet tea. (I am a southerner and that combo even made me hurk a little in the back of my throat) She misses Lorelai's father, she has a cat. There's a fan on. She dropped off a package earlier to her daughter.

I suspect that this is an example of subtle foreshadowing. Or bad writing. Or a lack of an editor. Or the lack of a good beta. Or the lack a high-school composition class. Or something.

AND NOW we're in Charleston. It's still raining, by the way. Everything up above was in the rain, in case you forgot. I think the author did, frankly.

Gareth then proceeds to kill the only sympathetic character in the book thus far--a waitress with three kids and a sick husband. Of course, he looks GREAT doing it. Angelic, even. Seriously, she keeps using that term.

The author then lovingly describes the corpse:

Moments later, the swirling fog moved, revealing the corpse of the woman. She lay like a discarded paper cup. (I actually kind of like that visual).... Her once expressive gray eyes now vacant of the soul that once had dwelled there. Uncaring of the rain that struck the now clouding eyes, just lay there as the thick fog once again covered her... From several feet above where a light post stood, its dim light trying to pierce the dense fog, a lone crow flew down. It landed next to the motionless woman, pecking at her bright red nail polish. Perhaps it had come to gather her essence. For among the American Indians they held that the crow collected souls and transported them to the next life.

Thank you for that lovely lesson in spirituality, LaVerne. Really.

Five pages left. Oh, sweet Jesus. ::sighs:: Sooner begun, sooner done.

So now we're back in Gareth's two hundred year old plantation manor. He's on the computer debunking alien sightings. I SHIT YOU NOT.

He's got a big library in there, too. One book catches his eye in particular:

Sadly, he walked over to the bookcase choosing from it an old book covered in a reddish brown beautifully etched leather. Holding it as though it was precious, he opened the yellowing pages that were starting to disintegrate, then looked at the small hand painted picture within.

Gareth glanced down, at the happy family images frozen in time. his mother, stepfather, and brother, and there by his brother's side--himself. The way he was before transformation, before that fatal night. He paced back and forth for a handful of steps.

When was the last time I saw the sun at its full strength, or felt its warmth on my skin? Without relying on this medallion. He lifted his hand touching the medallion around his neck that let him walk in sunlight. Gareth was the first of his nature, among his kind, from another planet, in another Galaxy. He was the son of an ancient one.

If he had not angered his father, he wouldn't have become a vampire. "I hate you father, for that and what you did to mother." His mother was of an immortal race, but she was no god. He didn't want anyone to know his sire. Humans didn't believe in the gods like his father anymore but they were real. However they were just beings that were immortal with special powers, that primitive people made the mistake of worshiping.

Gareth closed the volume and replaced it on the shelf, knowing no one thought him different; he fooled them all. Being a Air Force fighter pilot wasn't the only profession he had held.

Okay, so Gareth is a darkly angelic, alien vampiric UFO debunking half-divine military fighter pilot. Got that? Good, that way you won't get confuzzled when he turns into pirate. Which I pray to God he doesn't in this version of the book but I'm not getting a good feeling about this AT ALL. She's still got over 250 pages with which to fuck me up.

Now brother Seleth comes in and talks about how he's been researching all the used book stores in the area for tomes that might have something that leads to a cure for his brother.

Because surely a bunch of hoodoo men from Earth can undo a curse laid on a semi-divine alien creature from another Galaxy. With a capital G in this book. Aforementioned curse laid by a god. With a little g in this book.

Yeah, that makes PERFECT sense.



(is this where I give you the preview that I just saw when flipping ahead looking for pirate scenes? 'Damn he's huge.' Thought Lorelai as he drove into her so far in she thought he had pierced her back.


That, by the way, is page 107.)

I fucking hate you all for making me do this.
Tags: laverne

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  • Eternity of Blood: Chapter 8

    Did you realize that I haven't done this since MAY? Where has the time gone? I mean, an entire season has gone by since I've last picked up this…

  • (no subject)

    For the record, it was either doing this or going out and watching Wayne's World II with Liv. In fact, while typing that last sentence I went out and…

  • Verily, you all still suck--for the sixth time.

    I've been avoiding this. I'm admitting it. But when faced with studying Products Liability Law and reading LaVerne, I'll choose... Law, actually.…